Cracker Jack'd

 I have a friend whose three greatest passions in life are Red Bull, Cracker Jack, and music. He's very funny, you should listen to his podcast. Anyway, given the volatile nature of those three things when you combine them on a regular basis, I often worry about him. When I heard that Cracker Jack was coming out with a caffeinated product, I thought it was only a matter of time before he ate them until his head exploded.

It turns out these snack mixes are quite different from the Cracker Jack the rest of us know and tolerate. Most of them don't contain caffeine (only the Power Bites do), and some of them are actually quite good.

Cocoa Java Power Bites

“Crunchy chocolate & coffee flavored bites made with real coffee”

These are very tasty when you're eating them. They're like chocolate Oreo crumbs with a little bit of coffee grounds mixed in. Unfortunately, they leave a soapy aftertaste. We can send a man to the moon, but science has yet to come up with a way to mask the unpleasant flavor of added caffeine.

Vanilla Mocha Power Bites

“Crunchy vanilla & coffee flavored bites made with real coffee”

The soapy aftertaste is present in these, but not nearly as strong as in the Cocoa Java Power Bites. They taste like the cookie version of a gas station cappuccino.

PB & Chocolate Hearty Mix

“Savory PB & Chocolate flavored and coated oat clusters, mixed with honey roasted and salted peanuts”

This mix is probably my favorite of the six I sampled. It tastes like a very crunchy peanut butter cookie with some chocolate thrown in.

Cheddar BBQ Hearty Mix

“Tangy cheddar and BBQ flavored oat clusters, mixed with salted peanuts & smoked almonds”

I was admittedly terrified when I saw the phrase “BBQ flavored oat clusters,” but it turns out oat clusters are well-suited as a delivery mechanism for a payload of savory, delicious artificial flavoring. This mix has the taste of your standard BBQ potato chip, but more potent and crunchier.

Zesty Queso Hearty Mix

“Kickin' zesty queso flavored oat clusters, mixed with spicy peanuts & roasted almonds”

This mix makes me wonder how snack manufacturers have missed doing a queso flavor before. Cheese and salsa flavors have been done and done again, but the result is greater than the sum of its parts. It's counterintuitive that nuts would work with a queso flavor, but they certainly do.

Spicy Pizzeria Intense Mix

“Spicy pizza flavored mix of pretzel pieces, crunchy corn kernels & crispy corn sticks”

Normally, I disapprove of pretzels in snack mixes. The slick surface of a pretzel does not capture flavor very well, and they end up lending a certain blandness to otherwise tasty snacks like Chex Mix. Cracker Jack has the right idea here, using instead chunks of thicker pretzels with the interior exposed. The flavor, on the other hand, leaves something to be desired. It tastes like very cheap pizza, such as Totino's. I swore off that stuff after I accidentally burned one in the oven, and it came out tasting no different than if it had been properly cooked.

While I approve of most of the flavors (particularly the Hearty Mixes) and recommend giving them a try, make no mistake: these are not healthy. At all. Cracker Jack'd is best eaten on road trips when you need something tasty and filling and don't care about getting 40% of your recommended daily sodium intake in one snack.

A minor peeve with the copy on the packaging: inconsistent use of “and” vs. “&”. Get it together, Cracker Jack!

Three varieties were not available at the time of writing: Berry Yogurt, Buffalo Ranch, and Salted Caramel.

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 ©2013 The Revioozy.  All rights reserved.

My Stupid Friggin' Ivy Plant

Since the time of the great hanging gardens of Babylon and perhaps earlier, people have been growing domestic plants for pleasure. They instill indoor spaces with color, pleasure, and the joy of nurturing. Recent studies have even shown that having a variety of indoor plants can alleviate depression.

At least, plants that are not my stupid friggin' ivy plant.

                                                What the heck is wrong with this thing?

The whole idea of having an indoor plant is that if you water it, prune it, and re-pot it at the appropriate times, the God dang thing will live and grow. None of these features work on my stupid friggin' ivy plant. It is unresponsive to love and care, like some kind of brat kid.

To make matters worse, it's got some really nice leaves on one branch. It seems to taunt the user; a window to the great plant it could be if the piece of crap worked at all. How could they release a thing with so many flaws?

Not being a professional gardener, I don't ask much. I just need an ivy plant that won't keel over and die no matter what you do. Comparable models, such as the one in my neighbor Susie Anderson's window, grow like some kind of flippin' weed.

If you ask me, my stupid friggin' ivy plant gets a D+. Jeez.

Want me to review something?  Send me an email and I'll do my best!
 ©2013 The Revioozy.  All rights reserved.