Jack Link's Big Dippers

For the first (but I'm certain not the last) time in my reviewing career, I came across something that I was afraid to try. I've reviewed nasty things before, but those were safe. They involved cooked food and things that are supposed to keep without refrigeration. Jack Link's Big Dippers, however, are an abomination painted with a thin layer of patriotism.  Several friends begged me not to try them.

Nevertheless, I went into my research with as much optimism as I could muster. After all, I do occasionally enjoy a Jack Link's Peppered Beef Steak if nothing better is immediately available. I thought, at worst, Big Dippers would probably be a misguided attempt to get to the “good stuff.” No pretzels or crackers getting in the way of the meat, cheese, and sauce. I soon discovered that the problem with Big Dippers is much more profound.

All American

"Beef sticks & cheese sauce"

Normally, I would not remark on the difference between a picture on the packaging of a prepackaged food and the food itself, but the case of the beef sticks in Jack Link's All American Big Dippers is exceptional. On one hand, I was disgusted by the perfectly smooth beef sticks in the picture, which appeared to be greasy enough to function as a reflective surface. On the other hand, I was disgusted in a completely different way by the beef sticks themselves, which were dry and wrinkly, like a log of meat raisin.

It's apt that the beef sticks are wrinkly, because the cheese sauce they come with has the consistency of wrinkle cream.

 

 

From the day the dutch angle was invented, it was destined to be used to frame this picture.

It tastes like Velveeta that sat out for a week, then was reconstituted with too much water. Throw away the sauce, and you're left with ordinary mass-manufactured beef sticks bereft of the hydrating effect of their individual greasy plastic wrappers.

Value: There are 6 beef sticks in here, each about half the length of a normal Jack Link's Beef Stick, which run $.99 apiece. That's $2.97 worth of meat stick, which leaves $1.02 for a cup that proves our government is broken, if only because its contents apparently meet the FDA's definition of “cheese.”

Barbecue Flavored

 

"Kippered beef steak strips & BBQ sauce"

As long as we're comparing pictures to products, there's more of a similarity in the Barbecue Flavored Big Dippers. The actual steak strips just look slightly burnt in comparison. This is still disturbing, however, given that the waxy sheen is still present. The steak strips taste just like normal Jack Link's Beef Steaks, only dryer and more bland.

Again, the grotesquery was left to the sauce.

WHY IS IT FOGGY?!?

This barbecue sauce tastes like it's been sitting open in a refrigerator alongside rotting vegetables. Any barbecue flavor tastes watered down. The consistency is eerily thick, like cooling candle wax. Jack Link's Barbecue Flavored Big Dippers is basically just a bundle of smelly, unsettling meat wax.

Value: There are 6 steak strips here, adding up to what I would liberally guess is 1.5 standard size Jack Link's Beef Steaks, or about $1.94 worth. That leaves $2.05 for a small, aggressively odorous cup of the worst barbecue sauce I've ever tasted.

One variety was not available at the time of writing: Buffalo Chicken. Thank God for that.

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